Today I had lunch with two young women who are both expecting twins. They wanted to meet with me to learn about my experiences as a mom of adult twin boys, and to glean any advice unique to multiples. One friend is already an experienced parent of three young children who are awaiting siblings #4 and #5 (twin girls) to arrive about three months from now. The other one is already an experienced teacher who has been "pregnant" for about six years . . . about to explode from waiting, praying, applying, searching and more waiting. She is about to meet #1 and #2 (14-month-old twin boys) for the first time when they fly halfway around the world to adopt them on January 1st.
I thought it would be easy to address their questions after two and a half decades of parenting and speaking/writing about parenthood for almost that long, but I was struck that their minds had already moved way beyond advice about rhyming names, matching clothes or sharing spoons.
Before I was hospitalized at 32 weeks, I visited a "twins club" meeting and read Elizabeth Nobles' groundbreaking book,
Having Twins (now in it's third edition), but much of the way I navigated the care of multiples was determined by where I was as an individual, NOT how well I could breastfeed two babies at one time (I couldn't). These women are far beyond where I was in emotional and spiritual maturity . . . if only their expectations of themselves can remain balanced and realistic.
I was most impressed by their desire to prepare for the ways their marriages and their souls will be challenged during the first months and years that expose every fiber of our selfishness and self-pity. The fact that they are aware and care assures me that, they too, will wake up from the shock and awe of diapers and bottles and interrupted slumber to enjoy mostly delighful, memorable days!
Ten years ago, when we wrote
Shaping the Next Generation:Helping Parents Seize their Brief Window of Opportunity, we were trying to answer the nagging questions that occupied our own minds on any given day:
What if my worst nightmares come true? Am I doing enough for my children? What if my kids don't turn out right? Can I really influence my children? Our answer to all of the above hasn't changed
. . . "God is both Father and Potter, already at work shaping your children (and their parents)." His gracious plan is to include us in His awesome process . . . and humble, vulnerable, imperfect parents are not required to make the journey alone. Most of us can attest that there is only one perfect parent.
Today, our twin boys are the same age we were when they were born. This thought was scary for all of us! As adults, "the boys" obviously share the same genes and chromosomes (and each has loudly claimed that the other is the rotten half of the egg). They grew up in virtually the same environment, yet they are very distinct individuals with many characteristics we now trace all the way back to preschool.
Perhaps our determination NOT to create a "matched set" has something to do with it . . . but I have lived long enough to believe that God has created every child--multiple or single--as a unique person with a specific role in His (not my) Story. So yes. . . parenting multiples will be a challenge. I wanted to run away from home on more than one day; but I wouldn't trade my worst experiences for anything, because these were the souls entrusted to me by the Lord of the Universe. These were the very ones God used to insure that I would grow up in Him. My prayer is that when all the crazy people out there observe you out and about with kids so interesting in gender, number, skin color or development, that they will look at you and recognize above all that "Strength and dignity are her clothing and she smiles at the future." (Proverbs 31:25)
